Godfather Advice Notes – No.8

Premature Ejaculation

This is really a subject which I think you’d be much better talking to your father about, but from what I have heard premature ejaculation can lead to a sense of deep disappointment, lack of fulfilment, and ultimately serious psychological damage. The key thing, I gather, is to concentrate on preventative measures which fall into two distinct categories.

Mind over matter:

The trick here, apparently, is to pretend you’re doing something else altogether. What is your biggest turn off? Imagine you’re driving across the M62 in the middle of a stormy night; just as you reach the bleakest stretch of road by Saddleworth Moor you get a flat tyre. There’s nothing for it but to get out and change the wheel yourself. Focus hard on the technical process of jacking up the car, undoing all those bolts, taking the wheel off, putting the spare on, redoing the bolts. All this while you’re freezing your bollocks off by the side of the motorway. If you find that experience orgasmic then you’re in big trouble! Alternatively pretend you’re about to enter Margaret Thatcher.

Physical depreciation:

This is more like a pre-emptive strike. Bearing in mind that, for some men, achieving orgasm becomes a somewhat harder act second time around, why not just indulge yourself a little before the main event? That should slow the old boy down!

Failing the above, a cry of “Brace yourself Sheila!” should protect you – the aussies have turned premature ejaculation into an art form. Or you could try to tell her she should be flattered?!