Godfather Advice Notes – No.11

Skiving off work

This is an art form. Sometimes known as skiving or “throwing a sicky”, be careful not to let it become eponymous, such as “taking a Smithy half day”.

Follow these key rules for skiving happiness.

Never skive if you are sick.; ring in sick and spend the day in bed.

When you are skiving, ring in early (the reward for this is you can then have a lie-in) when you can still hardly open your mouth following last night’s boozy session; this will sound very throaty. The excuse is then sore throat/cold/food poisoning/fever/flu/bird flu/could be dead any minute – keep your skive length options open at all times. Don’t put time limits on it like “24 hour bug”, and never suggest you will be back at work the next day; how would you know? You are not God after all.

You must enjoy the day; plan ahead; go out for a day trip (somewhere you won’t be spotted). Work on a project or apply for other jobs. Do not mope around at home; this will cause unwanted emotions, such as guilt, and could lead to anxiety. Do not take phone calls or deal with emails; remember you are not well enough to work! Try to avoid a history of single days off; three at a time is more credible. When back at work, just breeze in. If anyone challenges the legitimacy of your illness, deny it, even to your closest colleagues. Let them do the “worrying”. You will find this a particularly common pastime of the fairer sex, or “handbag brigade”.

Do not be fooled by employers’ attempts to trap you into owning up to what they call “duvet days”. Remember, you are only ever off sick for genuine reasons. And what about the new “Return to Work” interviews recently introduced? No worries; this is merely an opportunity for you to reaffirm your commitment and fritter away a few more hours of the day.