Godfather Advice Notes – No.10

Valentine’s Day

A time bomb.

Valentine’s Day probably ranks ahead of New Year’s Eve as the single day of the year when you are most likely to have a major bust up with the Mrs because expectations are running very high. In the case of Valentine’s Day the expectations of the girls have run right over the top. This is because the girls have been talking about it together for weeks in advance, getting themselves into a rare old lather, thus putting themselves, and you, under huge pressure to have a successful day under the auspices of that patron saint of lovers.

You can only lose, unless of course you are looking for an exit route when it becomes the perfect vehicle for delivering such a message!

Damage limitation is the only sensible way to approach this appalling commercial event. Manage their expectations as best you can. 

Do the following:

Do send a card (don’t sign it, but write enough on it to make damn clear it’s come from you – no card equals goodnight - why on earth do blokes conceal their identity? (see below))

Do send a second card (conceal the sender’s identity - this will enable her to hold her head high with her chums because she has a secret admirer - get a friend to do it and do not handle it yourself – remember most girls have DNA testing kit these days)

Do buy flowers (but remember they are twice as expensive from the florists on the day and Interflora will fuck you over – so just pop into M&S and get a pot plant)

Do go out for dinner (remember you will have to book six months in advance – this is the one night of the year when a curry simply will not do)

Do tell her you love her and fuck her brains out…